Relationship Stalking

The victim of stalking is the target and the stalker is a predator who has a target who is not human. To be effective intervening in a stalking situation, one needs to think as a stalker—like a predator.

Stalking is generally thought to involve individuals who fixate on and stalk strangers who are usually famous.

The majority of stalkers are focused on people who are not famous.

Stalkers are not only strangers but may be co-workers, gang members, angry ex-clients, child molesters, public figures, and people with fantasies of kidnap, rape, and murder.

Stalking is complex goal directed behavior.

The stalker often interprets the object's (victim/target) behavior as having a special meaning that affirms the relationship. Stranger to stranger stalkers are obsessed with the idea that they have a special relationship with the target of their stalking.

Overview of Stalking Behavior

Stalking evolves over time into a behavior with three main elements—

intrusion

entitlement

obsession

Stalking is seldom limited to the stalker and the target. It spreads placing many people at risk.

For example, in one incident a batterer stalked his estranged wife following her

to a supermarket. He followed her and a female friend into the market. He shot

her to death and seriously wounded her friend. When a store manager came to

investigate, the stalker shot and killed him also. The man left the market and positioned

himself on small knoll next to the market. When a deputy sheriff arrived, he was

shot to death before stopping his patrol car. All of the victims had family members

including small children.

Understanding stalking requires knowing that its primary elements of intrusion and entitlement act in tandem to give the stalker permission to do anything he or she wants in order to satisfy the obsession.

The stalker's goal is intrusion in their target's life causing the target to feel the presence and pain of the stalker. Additionally, the stalker wants the target to know that he or she is all-powerful.

Focused and extreme narcissism is a predominant characteristic of stalking.

The obsession and fixation focuses the stalker's energy like a laser light.

Because it is a pattern of behavior evolving over time, stalking is difficult to prove and difficult to stop. People who stalk can remain focused for years. The stalker does not want to stop. Once a target of a stalker, the target may never be safe again as long as the stalker is alive and free.

Three Types Of Stalkers

Delusional Stalker

This is a person who stalks the stars. Many women fall into this category. Often thought not to be the most dangerous category of stalker, we however believe anyone who stalks has a potential to do harm. The onset is rapid for this type of stalker. The stalker sees the target, fixates on the target, decides the target is something special to them, and feels entitled to intrude into the target's life. This stalking type is beyond the scope of this report.

In-the-service-of-narcissism Stalker

This stalker has no relationship to the target and no obsession with a particular target although a particular type of individual may be the focus of the stalker. This type of narcissist wants to feel powerful over others and believes they have a right to do whatever is necessary to get their way.

He wants others to feel his presence and be aware that they are powerless against him.

Serial killers

Rapists

Gang members

Fringe members of protest groups e.g., the pro-life movement.

We are not referring to an ordinary person making a social protest in hopes of making a change through the existing political system. We referring to protesting that covers for stalking behavior for example, fringe people who are simply terrorists.

Murdering doctors

Burning and bombing clinics, churches, and synagogues

Taking pictures of staff

Distributing wanted posters

A fringe member who has a long criminal record said to a clinic staff member,

“Joni, this is the last day of your life.” That is not social protest, it is life threatening terror.

What we want to illustrate about stalkers is they try to exist in a fog.

The fog is the cover that helps to screen their behavior. Being a protester is his cover.

He is using a movement, grudges against the government, or hatred of some group of people to justify despicable acts.

At one point we considered a new category of stalker—narcissistic-delusional. A client was so extremely involved in the service of narcissism that he looked delusional. He looked psychotic as though he had no reality testing. After completing a test, he was asked to repeat it because he had invalidated the test. He became enraged that anyone would question his test taking. He refused to redo the test. He was facing charges of stalking a local female television celebrity and other local prominent women.

Later during a court proceeding, he demanded that the judge honor a hand written agreement he claimed to have made with the district attorney to dismiss the charges. The district attorney had not signed the document and was unfamiliar with it. After berating the district attorney for not keeping a verbal agreement, the stalker was removed from court and ordered to take have a mental examination. He was given a clear bill of health regarding his mental status by the examiners.

Narcissistic Injury Stalker

In terms of narcissistic injury, we think primarily in terms of men with abusive, violent, and criminal behavior who are stalking their partner or ex-partner. However, it could be therapist/client, doctor/patient, lawyer/client, prosecutor/defendant, neighbor/neighbor or many other combinations. There is a relationship of some kind but not necessarily intimate.

Something real or perceived causes the individual to feel damaged to the core. Their entire sense of self has been ripped away, damaged, or destroyed. They want their world and injured self fixed or someone is going to pay.

There are three strategies the stalker can use with narcissistic injury.

Sometime they move back and forth between the strategies while they struggle with the situation.

Reconciliation, “My target is gone and I need it back.”

Vindication, “You damaged me. I'm going to prove you are the bad person and I am a good person.”

Revenge, “You hurt me and you are going to pay for that.”

In revenge, there is no desire to be seen as a good person. The stalker just wants a pound of flesh and he is going to get it. People in this category often use the “fog” process in their stalking. Their fog can be, “I just wanted to talk to my kids.” “I just want to get together and talk with you.” “I wanted a chance to reconcile.” “I just wanted to discuss the divorce.”

With stalking the way you penetrate the fog is by looking at the behavior that includes intrusion, entitlement, and obsession or fixation. Any crime committed against one partner by the other in a period of separation such as violation of a restraining order must be investigated as stalking.

Abusers Who Stalk

Those who work with perpetrators of violence in the family are working with a difficult group—lethal people obsessed with a significant other. Stalking has been described as tracking or included with behaviors categorized as controlling. Over the years several characteristics and truths about stalking have been identified.

Stalking is goal directed behavior with several different purposes.

Stalking is a behavior associated with many situations.

Stalking involves more than just following another—or tracking.

Some forms of stalking are legal and some are criminal.

Stalking is lethal—it has the capacity to explode into violence and death. The victim can be the targeted person or it could be family members, including children or strangers caught up in the process.

Stalking always involves a severe emotional impact on the target.

Stalking is difficult to prove and hard to stop.

Narcissistic injury is the primary feature related to relationship stalking although it may be a feature of other groups of individuals who stalk.

Individuals who stalk former significant others may carry a diagnosis such as manic-depressive, schizophrenia, paranoia, or delusional disorder, however the common feature of stalkers of individuals from past relationships is narcissistic injury.

While a complete description of the psychology of stalking is beyond the scope of this report, the following is an overview of the theory and intervention as related to relationship stalkers.

The injury can be real or perceived leaving the individual feeling devastated, annihilated, betrayed, or abandoned.

Stalkers often express the belief that everything for which they have worked has been stripped from them creating a vast, unbearable emptiness.

These feelings are often accompanied by depression, anxiety, inability to sleep, work, eat or perform daily self-care tasks.

The stalker's ability to problem solve are limited.

Their sense of future is limited.

Individuals who stalk respond to this narcissistic injury by devising a strategy they believe will heal the wound.

This strategy always involves impacting on the object believed responsible for the pain.

The former significant other becomes the focus of their attempt to alleviate their narcissistic injury.

The stalker spends inordinate amounts of time, energy, and thought devising and implementing the plan.

This process is closed and circular in nature with the stalker growing increasingly isolated with his irrational thoughts and intense feelings.

The feelings intensify, reinforcing negative thoughts, until they act to create an absolute reality in the stalker's mind that is difficult to alter.

Abuser Strategies

Three major strategies that produce abusive and destructive behavior have been identified in abusers who stalk—reconciliation, vindication and revenge.

In the case of reconciliation, the goal is . However, if the stalker' fails in achieving this goal, the strategy may take on a different form. Although physical injury is not the goal of reconciliation or vindication punishment in the form of fear inducement is present.

While collecting information about the victim the perpetrator may obtain information that adds to his injury. This process can lead to an explosive situation and revenge resulting in injury or death to many people.

Reconciliation

The purpose of reconciliation is regaining the lost object not hurting her. It is a strategy that arises primarily from a feeling of abandonment although loss of self-worth can play a role.

When reconciliation is the goal, stalkers believe they must have a specific person back or they will not survive. They are willing to do whatever is necessary to achieve this goal and are obsessive and compulsive in an effort win back their object.

Getting the object back may involve several techniques such as

Seeking out the object

Talking to her

Submitting to therapy

Making promises

Involving family and friends to pressure the object

Sending flowers and notes

It may also involve coercion such as

Economic pressure

Threats of force

Threats to take the children

Threats to kill

Suicidal behavior

One stalker took a woman home twenty-two times at gun point. Consultation with the woman confirmed her feelings of fear and terror. She would not file charges against the stalker because she knew he would kill her and perhaps her family. She did not believe anyone could protect her. The couple moved away, and we never knew the ultimate outcome.

Many stalkers go to the woman's home or place of employment to talk even when a restraining order exists.

They believe that it is possible to persuade the victim to return.

This tracking behavior is extremely abusive and dangerous.

The individual being tracked feels terrorized by the constant violation of limits and boundaries no matter how insignificant it may seem to others not aware of the total situation.

The danger to the victim is constant.

Anyone trapped and alone with a stalker should remain calm, engage them in conversation, and separate as soon as possible.

The possibility of reconciliation should not be denied to the stalker, but reconciliation should not be promised either.

Under no circumstance should the individual go anywhere with the stalker.

Upon escaping, the victim should call the police, file charges, and go to a safe place until the stalker can be brought under control.

Vindication

Vindication is based on the goal of proving to the world that “I am good and she is bad.” It includes an element of need or desire for revenge in this strategy— “You hurt me and I will hurt you back.”

However, this is limited by the overriding motive to be seen by the world as the victim of the person he is stalking.

The stalking not only consists of physical tracking, but also involves watching to collect information that can be used against the victim, collecting information from children and friends, calling social services, having custody evaluations, or using other court cases as avenues to attack the the victim in the courts.

The stalker may write letters to family and friends of the victim making attacks on her character, statements about his own victimization, and direct or veiled threats. Stalking usually involves a progression of strategies.

Revenge

Revenge is straightforward. The stalker feels betrayed and annihilated. He believes this pain can be eliminated only through making the other person experience the same feeling.

He may kill the target, destroy their reputation, take the children, or wreck the target financially. By what ever means possible, he is going to make the target pay for his narcissistic injury. The stalker often commits suicide after killing his target or her family.

Revenge does not always lead to murder of the primary target. There are thousands more cases of tormenting the target, her family, and her friends. The stalker may sit in his car every night and watch the house or he may threaten to harm others. Stalking always spreads to others. One man told the target, “I might kill you or maybe I will kill your mom and a couple of your nieces.” He eventually killed the mother and nieces. In stalking situations, all possible victims must be identified and warned.

Revenge stalkers feel justified in their behavior. Jail is the only method of controlling these individuals. Even when jailed, they may use hired killers or their own family members to harm the target.

However, we have had some success in preventing homicides by refocusing the obsession back on vindication in therapy. For vindication, the stalker lives a better life so that the target will see what they have lost and suffer from that loss. Continuing to focus on the consequences can also slow the process.

A case that failed (behaviors predicting failure)

There are times when a perpetrator will have the profile and a history that allows us to predict therapeutic failure with a significant amount of certainty.

Rick's behaviors predicted failure. He had had previous victims, a criminal history, and he was impervious to feedback. Rick had intervention at pretrial. He had six different violations of restraining orders in two counties and had attempted to abduct a child from a previous relationship in California. He had fled Arizona over legal problems.

At intake he argued every point and described himself positive and grandiose terms. He was given a workbook that he did not return but rather returned a note with the following critique of the workbook:

Re a workbook for ending violent behavior.

I have just read and completed the pamphlet on violent behavior. First let me start by saying in no way do I wish to discredit the pamphlet, program or any of it's writers.

To me, it seems that the pamphlet is evasive, argumentative and too full of negativity.

I am not nor have I ever not been able to control my anger. I attribute that to a high self-esteem and a positive outlook on life. Which my parents had a major part in teaching me patients.

I personally feel that in no way stressing the negatives of any situation, can improve or resolve that situation. Distorted, violent or abusive behavior especially.

Thank you.

We recommended that Rick be sent to jail. He was at court and the judge gave him one week to get his life in order. This was a serious mistake that could have cost the victim her life. He was able to flee the state prior to incarceration. It was fortunate that he chose to leave rather than assault or kill.

Stalking Behavior Checklist

The goal of stalking may be aimed at hurting the other person physically or emotionally, proving the stalker to be the true victim, or re-bonding with the victim. Regardless of the stalker's goal, stalking has the capacity to deteriorate into violence.

The violence may extend to strangers, friends, family, co-workers, or new significant others. Because these situations are volatile and lethal, immediate intervention is critical. Delays can lead to death. The Stalking Behavior Checklist and Obsession Checklist (Lindsey, 1993) (Appendix A and B) are helpful in evaluating stalking behavior.

Appendix A
Stalking Behavior Checklist

Tracking to Find Target:

Stalker Third Parties

__Following __Private investigator

__Mutual friends __Friends

__Family of the target Agencies

__Family of the stalker __Target's employer

__Cruising __Department of Motor Vehicles

__Children __Post office

__Custody battles __Social services

__Telephone __Telephone and utility companies

__Pizza delivery

Information Gathering When Stalker Knows Location of Target:

Stalker

__Following __Checking victim's purse

__Going to where she will be __Reading victim's journals

__Children __Law suite-deposition

__Mutual friends __Custody battles

__Family of the target Third parties

__Family of the stalker __Private investigator

__Telephone interrogation __Friends

__Sitting outside of home Agencies

__Peeping __Target's employer

__Eaves-dropping __Department of Motor Vehicles

__Medical records __Post office

__Checking ash trays and trash __Social services

For Domestic Violence: Crimes Committed on Victim While Separated:

__Violation of restraining order __Threats of death, physical harm, bombing

__Violation of no contact order __Disturbing the peace or disorderly conduct

__Harassment __Assault or battery

__Burglary __Arson

__Criminal trespass __Theft

__Destruction of property

Terrorist Activities or Punishment:

__Leaving objects, such as wood chips feces, __False or misleading reports to authorities

prizes; objects tied car; love notes; or hate mail __Killing or stealing pets

__Attempts to destroy reputation: letters, flyers, __Watching or following

dissemination of private information, distortion __Drive-byes

of truth or facts __Tying up telephone, fax or email

__Destruction of property

Behaviors Specific to Stalkers While in the Relationship:

__Interrogation of victim __Checking all draws in the home

__Interrogation of children __Checking ash trays and trash __Checking mileage __Checking victim's purse

__Timing victim's activities __Reading victim's journals

__Peeping __Reading victim's check register

__ Eaves-dropping __Putting something in or around the home so

__Medical records he can know if she comes or goes

Appendix B

Obsession Checklist

__ Suicidal thoughts

__ Homicidal thoughts

__ Not eating

__ Not sleeping

__ Not working

__ No activities

__ Isolated

__ In therapy, focuses on target

__ In therapy, focuses on plans for reconciliation

__ Intrusive thoughts: she is have sex with others

__ Repeated attempts to contact victim

__ Focuses on plans for reconciliation, vindication or revenge

__ Reduced cognitive function, i.e. problem solving

__ Unable to acknowledge options--rigid

__ Unable to break-out of feelings of narcissistic injury

__ Profound feelings of betrayal, abandonment or annihilation

__ Short-view time frame for future

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